Eugene MirmanI'm Sorry (You're Welcome)
1.
Introduction, A Gift From Derrick
2.
Some Jokes That Have To Do With My Girlfriend, A Hotel In Boston, A Man In Provincetown, Twitter, Time Vs. Timing, A Neck Pillow
3.
Sub Pop Showcase At SxSW
4.
Ask A Pastor
5.
Some Jokes That Touch Upon Religion, Guitar Center
6.
A LinkedIn Profile
7.
The Time I Was Mugged In Mexico With Michael Stipe
8.
Girlfriend, Khaleesi, Any Questions, Making A ‘Zine
9.
Contacting Celebrities On Facebook
10.
Not Happy With A Parking Ticket I Got In Portsmouth, NH
11.
Paintings I Made To Showcase At My Local Whole Foods
12.
I Marry A Couple From The Audience On Stage
13.
Welcome To The Meditation, Please Get Comfortable
14.
The Body
15.
Feet & Legs
16.
Tummy, Doodle & Hoo-Hoo
17.
Heart
18.
Throat, Arms & Hands
19.
Head
20.
Thank You Body, Simple Ways To Relax
21.
Introduction
22.
Horse
23.
Horse Galloping
24.
Horse III
25.
Duck
26.
Duck II
27.
Dog
28.
Cat
29.
Cat Purring
30.
Cat Asking For Directions
31.
Two Sheep Arguing
32.
Mice Making Fried Rice
33.
Bear
34.
Wolf
35.
Fox Embarrassed About His Boner
36.
Giraffe Sleeping
37.
Turtle
38.
Turtle II
39.
Chicken Prostitute Haggling
40.
Shark
41.
Toilet Flushing
42.
Blender
43.
Automatic Door Opening
44.
Doorbell
45.
Alarm Clock
46.
Frying Pan Sizzle
47.
Teapot Whistle
48.
Dishwasher Running
49.
Telephone Ringing
50.
Telephone Falling On The Ground
51.
Shower Running
52.
Crackling Fire
53.
VCR Ejecting A Tape
54.
Group Of Businessmen Agreeing
55.
Baby Locked In A Dresser
56.
Fart
57.
Long Fart
58.
Fart III
59.
Little Girl Crying
60.
Man Walking In Boots
61.
Screaming Man
62.
Screaming Woman Who Sounds Like A Man
63.
TV Audience Clapping At Food
64.
Drum Circle
65.
Rave
66.
Last Guy At A Rave
67.
Train
68.
Steam Engine
69.
Neon Sign
70.
Motorcycle
71.
Scanning An Item
72.
Feeling For A Ripe Avocado
73.
Jihadist After Seeing About A Boy
74.
Jack-In-The-Box
75.
Jigsaw Puzzle
76.
Fire Truck
77.
Video Game
78.
Italian Person Eating a Pizza Pie
79.
Naturalized Immigrant Doing A Job You Are Unqualified For
80.
Abortion Doctor Enjoying A Candy Bar
81.
Grand Wizard Can’t Find A Sock
82.
Powerful Senator
83.
Powerful Senator II
84.
Fighter Plane
85.
Ambient Noise In An Airplane
86.
Airplane Flying
87.
Police Siren
88.
Police Siren In Europe
89.
Police Siren In Belgium
90.
Gun Shot
91.
Machine Gun
92.
.357 Magnum Inside A Watermelon
93.
Gays In The Military
94.
Thunder
95.
Rain
96.
Hurricane
97.
Blizzard
98.
Snowing
99.
Sentient Robot Going About His Daily Business
100.
Computer Downloading A File
101.
New Email
102.
Traffic
103.
Kids Playing In The Park
104.
Kids Playing In The Park II
105.
Spaceship Flying
106.
Spaceship Crashing
107.
Going To Warp Speed
108.
Alien Supermarket
109.
Laser Gunfire
110.
Someone Controlling Technology By Waving Their Hands
111.
Ronald Reagan Taking A Shower
112.
Tacos
113.
Fur Coat Getting Fucked By A Bunch Of Cats
114.
Tree Falling In A Forest
115.
Jewish Person Saying "Oy Vey” Wrong
116.
Summertime
117.
People Being Diligent At An Ad Agency
118.
Helicopter
119.
Living Helicopter Complaining
120.
Chinese Woman Eating Lasagna
121.
Hero Returning From A Budweiser Commercial
122.
Elephant Having Trouble
123.
One Of Those People On The Street Who Tries To Get Money
124.
Telephone Calling A Toaster
125.
Grasshopper Asking A Dog A Question
126.
Shortwave Radio
127.
Two Apples On A Rainy Sunday In The Fall
128.
Dentist Having Sex
129.
Panda At A Hotel
130.
Birth Control Pills Telling A Little Boy Not To Eat Them
131.
Cat That Doesn't Mind
132.
Male Toothpaste Being Sneaky
133.
Creamy Polenta Vs. Couscous
134.
Old Man's Penis
135.
Dial Tone
136.
Museum That Needs To Use The Bathroom
137.
Celebrity Agreeing To Take A Selfie
138.
Guy Getting A Sweet Beej
139.
Fire Hydrant That Doesn't Want Anyone To Know It's Anti-Semitic
140.
Bellhop Who Got Stung
141.
LGBT Party Where People Are Eating Sushi
142.
LGBT Newsletter That Loves The Expendables Franchise
143.
Sweaty Kid Crying About A Sandwich
144.
Too Many Pieces Of Paper
145.
Puddle
146.
Magic Clown Using His Powers
147.
Wild Turkey Bragging About His Mansion
148.
The Number 84 Explaining To The Number 52 That It Is Bigger But Not Better
149.
Tape Recorder Being Used Wrong
150.
Misogynistic Maple Trees
151.
Apple Sauce Being Naughty
152.
Safe Word
153.
Two Pistols Sitting On A Shelf
154.
Cookies Being Arrested
155.
Sheep That Is Too Cute To Eat
156.
Daughter Reacting To Her Mother Telling Her There Are Two Kinds Of People In This World
157.
Desk Covered In Hair
158.
Person From 1870 Who Was Frozen In Time
159.
Boy Who Loves Hammocks
160.
Dustpan
161.
A Billion Ants Writing A Complaint Letter
162.
Two 20-Year-Olds Touching Their Winkies
163.
Yellow Line That Divides Roads
164.
Smell Of A Pear
165.
Group Of Wealthy Men
166.
Confused Child
167.
25 Rats Sleeping
168.
Flowers
169.
Fishing
170.
Boat
171.
Mizzenmast
172.
Bow
173.
Stern
174.
Basement
175.
Rainbow
176.
Telescope Being Defensive
177.
Larry King Being Told Important Information
178.
Well
179.
The Moment A Well-Respected Author Wins The Guinness World Record
180.
Salad
181.
Little Girl Teasing A Lamp
182.
Zoo With Nothing To Lose
183.
Racist Stapler
184.
Friendship Bracelet
185.
Thor's Hammer, Mjölnir
186.
Two Lost Fireflies
187.
Humpback Whale
188.
Elevator At The Empire State Building
189.
Tip Of A Billionaire's Penis
190.
Brand New Pillows Covered In Blood
191.
French Kids Picking Apples
192.
Huge Pile Of Dirty Shirts
193.
Hotel Guest Falling Asleep Frustrated
194.
RomneyCare & ObamaCare
195.
The Nerve Of Some People
196.
Boner School
197.
Spilled Milk That Found Out Its Son Died In A Car Accident
198.
A BuzzFeed List
199.
Two College Kids Subtly Trying To Figure Out Which One Is More Disadvantaged
200.
Fox News & MSNBC
201.
Amicable Divorce
202.
Bing-Bong Ding-Dong Playing With Boom-Boom Doom-Doom
203.
Snacks In Iraq
204.
Telecommuting Cat
205.
Nano-Horse
206.
Hebrew Ray
207.
Caldor Binge Drinking
208.
Gender Roles On Their Way To A Football Game
209.
Details
210.
School Teacher Given Permission
211.
High School Hockey Team Seeing 20 Years Into The Future
212.
Cheese
213.
Anna Kendrick Discovering An Underwater City
214.
The Czech Republic
215.
Drug Lord Feels Pretty Bad
216.
Hotel Bed That Is Tired
217.
Warm Handmade Boiled Bagels
218.
Silly Billy Goat Got A Heroin Addiction
219.
A Medically Reliable Introduction To Digital Drugs
220.
Marijuana
221.
PCP
222.
Heroin
223.
Apple Cider Vinegar
224.
MDMA
225.
LSD
226.
Amoxicillin
227.
Peyote
228.
Amaretto Sour
229.
Oxycodone
230.
Crying
231.
More Crying
232.
Still Crying
233.
I Simply Keep Crying
234.
Welcome To My Russian Audio Phrasebook
235.
Common Statements & Questions For Everyday Situations
236.
Conversational Russian In The Workplace
237.
Casual Phrases For Parties, Pubs & Outings
238.
Proper Dinner Conversation For The Educated Guest
239.
Small Talk With Strangers & Acquaintances in Public Spaces
240.
Useful Phrases While On Vacation In Russia
241.
Commonplace Subjects Within The Rich World of Academia
242.
Polite Ways To Engage People of High Status
243.
Enter The Fuckscape
244.
Take A Ride On The Poon Schooner
245.
I'm A Dirty Little Foreign Advisor
246.
I Thought I Was The Pancake Man
247.
You're A World-Class Pussy-Grifter
248.
Intro To Ringtones
249.
Phone Call
250.
Vibrate Vibrate Vibrate
251.
Ding-Dong Doodly-Doo
252.
Waterfalls Shrimp Shrimp
253.
Fiddle-Doddle-Doodle-Deedle
254.
Doo-Doo-Pa-Dee-Da-Da-Pada
255.
Phone Is Ringing
256.
Friend
257.
Love
258.
Spicy Fish
259.
Mother Calling
260.
Father Calling
261.
Mother 2
262.
Father 2
263.
Zippa-Dee-Doo-Da Zippa-Dee-Da
264.
Aaaaaaaa
265.
Wife Calling
266.
Husband Calling
267.
Someone Is Calling
268.
Fuckface Calling
269.
Acquaintance
270.
Unnnnnn
271.
Auauauauauauau
272.
Wouowowoooouuuooo
273.
Whistle Ring
274.
Trtrtrtrtrtrtrllllbbrrr
275.
Vrrrvvvvvvvvvvbbbrrr
276.
Hyeuueehuuyehyeheyehyeyeeuu
277.
Gwreeegwkqreu
278.
Hrrruuhrrrunnghruu
279.
Hraaaa! Hraavlaa!
280.
Luuuuleelaaalalou!!
281.
Unnngnhhhnhnhnuua
282.
Answer The Phone
283.
Pffrrrtttt
284.
Susan Sarandon Is Calling
285.
Colleague
286.
Doodle-Doodle Hoo-Hoo
287.
Hey!
288.
Waffles
289.
Fuckbuddy
290.
Piano Cleaner
291.
Bryan
292.
Cream Cheese
293.
Rabbi
294.
Priest
295.
I Can't Answer The Phone
296.
Intro To Outgoing Voicemail Messages
297.
Dr. Fart
298.
Sarah
299.
Social Anxiety
300.
The Sizzle-Maker
301.
Mittens
302.
Kate
303.
No Answer
304.
Debbie
305.
Andrew
306.
Phil Donahue
307.
Kaitlin
308.
Old Man
309.
Steve
310.
Lucy
311.
Judy
312.
Megan
313.
Leave Your Name
314.
Kim
315.
Tim
316.
Miguel
317.
Sebastian
318.
Penicillin Dong
319.
Thong McHacky-Sack
320.
Matt
321.
Katie
322.
Confident Balls
323.
Robert
324.
Mr. Shitface
325.
Pile Of Sneakers
326.
Pasta Nasty
327.
Crème Fresh Jackson
328.
I Can't Answer The Phone 2
329.
Flitchy Woo-Woo
330.
Slick Motherfucker
331.
Sleepy Horse
332.
Can't Come To Phone
333.
Dawn
334.
I Am A Doctor
335.
Nick
336.
Poodle
337.
Hello, Mr. Cunt
338.
Standard Greeting 1
339.
Standard Greeting 2
340.
Standard Greeting 3
341.
Standard Greeting 4
342.
Standard Greeting 5
343.
Standard Greeting 6
344.
Standard Greeting 7
345.
I Can’t Answer The Phone (But I Want To)
346.
Please Take Off Your Shoes
347.
Don Draper Has The Flu
348.
Moons Over Your Hammy
349.
It's Not A Slumber Party Without Thor
350.
Now My Back Hurts
351.
Waffle House Parking Lot Mix-Up
352.
Thank You So, So Much Mandy Patinkin
353.
Oops
354.
Sneaking Around The Zoo
355.
Goodnight, Buddy
356.
Baba Yaga Already Said She Was Sorry
357.
Faxed To The Wrong Number
358.
Linda Ronstadt Chillaxing
359.
1960's Street Fight
360.
Seriously Bro, You Just Made Me Goosh... Thanks
361.
You Can Call Me Al (Not Song)
362.
Dont Worry, This Man-Nanny Can Keep A Secret
363.
The Best Misunderstanding
364.
Whoa... Lookout, Sir Beast-Weasel
365.
Kindhearted Fireman
366.
Let's Put Our Intellectual Property Debate On Hold
367.
Happy Valentines Day, Mr. And Mrs. President
368.
Ice Cream Hearts Melting In The Love-Sun
369.
Offal For Lunch, Woo-Hoo For Dinner
370.
Goofballs Having Silly Fun
371.
The Jackal Never Misses!
372.
Land-Grabber's Cousin Has Nice Upstairs
373.
Mrs. Thunder/Mr. 80% Chance Of Rain
374.
Don't Mind If I Do...
375.
Round One Goes To Princess-Rump
376.
Happy And Stuffed
377.
Just Another Guns N' Roses Brunch
378.
Pleasant Surprise At Sleepaway Camp
379.
Handsome Old Man Has A Tummy Ache
380.
Have We Met?
381.
No, Please... After You
382.
Gimme Back My Bonnie Raitt CD... Actually, Keep It
383.
Tollbooth Attendant Is Open-Minded
384.
88% On Rotten Tomatoes
385.
Mischievous Whoopsy-Daisy
386.
Two Rascals Showing Off
387.
48 And Flexible
388.
That Was Worth It
389.
Bandits Helping Around The House
390.
Army Buddies Going Big-Ball Bowling
391.
I'm The Autodidact Of Amour
392.
Oh, My Wife Knows
393.
That Was The Best FTP I Ever Uploaded
394.
The Healing Heart/Mother-In-Law
395.
Just Two Doves At A Sweat Party
396.
We Get Five Weeks' Vacation In Holland
397.
Young Man Is An Excellent Executive Administrative Assistant
398.
Two Adults In A Small Space
399.
Dude, We're On The 5 O'Clock News
400.
www.thepleasuresallmine.gov
401.
I Don't Have The Hiccups Anymore
402.
Thank You For Allowing Me Access To Your Oven
403.
These Goat-Like People Know Their Bodies!
404.
Bill Clinton Is Still Quite Playful
405.
I Could Sure Use A Glass Of Water Now
406.
The Kindness Of Strangers
407.
We're Registered At Bed, Bath & Behind
408.
IT Department Doesn't Have A Care In The World
409.
Brassy, Bald And Ejaculating
410.
I Voted For McCain In 2000
411.
New Car Smell, Old Car Feel
412.
Paul Can Really Push Good
413.
Stay In My Guest Room As Long As You Want
414.
David And Joshua Mutual Pleasure Exchange
415.
Doin' The Flip-A-Doo
416.
Anti-Vaxxer “Saxophone” Relaxer
417.
Germaphobe Does Not Mind
418.
Very Sleepy Man Delivers On Promise
419.
Fourscore And Seven Years Of Happy-Happy
420.
Fart Walrus
421.
French Woman Enjoying A Danish
422.
No Shirt, No Shoes — Service
423.
With Or Without You (Preferably With)
424.
Shouts And Murmurs
425.
Pilates Are Invigorating
426.
I'll Take A Look At The Dessert Menu
427.
The Last Rock Star
428.
It's Noon Somewhere
429.
My Bar Mitzvah Was Ten Years Ago
430.
Community Bookstore Meet-Up Gone Good
431.
Love Clean Up, Aisle One
432.
Found Your Thing Using MapQuest
433.
Divorced MILF At A Used Record Store
434.
This Cheesecake Is Divine
435.
Jam Session
436.
Can't Find My Socks (Don't Want To)
437.
Even Better Than An Associate Degree
438.
I Went To School In The Boston Area
439.
Happiness Is A Warm Dong
440.
Square Hole, Triangle Peg, Plus Another Square Hole
441.
Call Me Dr. Stardust
442.
Now That's How A Puppy Should Sneeze
443.
Fun Times Inside A Grain Elevator
444.
Operation Cooch-Toot
445.
Preggo!
446.
My Parents Won't Be Home For A Year And Five Days
447.
Sure, In There Is Fine
448.
The Official Webcam Of Yugoslavia
449.
Last Entry Is At Three, But You Can Stay Til Six(!)
450.
We Were Just Talking About You
451.
Bridesmaid Cutting Loose At The Governor Bradford
452.
Sophisticated?
453.
We Deserve A Michelin Star
454.
Mr. Mamet Showing Off His Special Forces
455.
Soup Dumplings, Squish-Squish
456.
How Very Hemmingway Of You
457.
Drinking Straight Out Of Lust’s Milk Carton
458.
Amateur Anthropologist Makes Important Observation
459.
Senior Year Hebrew School Mischief
460.
I Wonder If This Was Allowed In Prussia?
461.
Pretty Fun Night In Merrill C3 Short
462.
Should We Take The Bridge Or The Tunnel?
463.
Dirty Boulevard
464.
Is The Love-Falcon Available For Birthdays?
465.
Portland, ME Is Cool... But Really Weird
466.
The Wish-Maker Will See You Now
467.
Head Of Development Instructing Rugged Hiker
468.
The Shenanigans You Requested
469.
What Gusto!
470.
Please Don't Make This About Harold Pinter (Again)
471.
Wet Hot Americano
472.
A Gentleman Never Reveals His Source
473.
Glad The Town Approved Your Slurping Permit
474.
A Mime Betrayed, A Mime Forgiven
475.
Too Soon?
476.
Please Be Quiet Or You'll Wake Up My Titties
477.
Never You Mind That
478.
She Got A Real Candy Apple Poot-Hooter
479.
Dolph Lundgren At That Top Of His Game
480.
Mustachioed Man Has Patience, Diligence
481.
Two Gigolos, One Office Manager
482.
Secretary Of State Is Not Off-Putting
483.
It Took Another Man's Wife To Make This Boy A Man
484.
Nothing Goes To Waste
485.
My Mouse Is Thankful For Your Mouse
486.
Make Yourself At Home
487.
Meet Me By The Condom Machine
488.
I Feel Like I've Known You For Hours
489.
Oh, I Thought You Wanted Something Else, Glad It Worked Out
490.
Fire Your Dentist!
491.
Postwar Japan Is Well-Understood By These Two
492.
Gene Simmons Crying In A Pile Of Shit
493.
I'm The Only Lady Who Could Pull Excalibur Outta There
494.
Rooting For Truffles, Miami Style
495.
Businessman Has Ding-Dong Like Rocket Ship
496.
Sally's In Charge
497.
Too Much Pudding, Not Enough Spoons
498.
The Turkish Parliament Has Approved This "Carrot-Man"
499.
It's Raining Dan
500.
It's Like Apples And Oranges (Fucking)
501.
College Is Exactly What I Was Hoping It'd Be
502.
Mentally Ill Farmer Is Finally Getting Help
503.
A Swedish Couple Enjoying Hearty Vegetables
504.
Vulnerable Oligarch Vulnerably Sexting
505.
Best Friends/Next Level
506.
Tooth Fairy Is Quite Real
507.
Civil Disobedience Met With Heartfelt Understanding
508.
A Textbook Case Of Level-12 Pleasure
509.
So Glad That Was You Behind Me
510.
An Astoundingly Honest And Fun Salesman
511.
Celebrating My Promotion With My Wife And Some Dude
512.
Martha Washington? Mmmm Hmmmm
513.
Crammin' For The Jam Exam
514.
I'm Glad We Waited Til Dusk
515.
You Are As Powerful And Detail-Oriented As A River, Sir
516.
Just A Couple Of Lucky Special Ed Teachers
517.
You're Like John Adams Times 1.5!
518.
Babysitter Surprisingly Into Divorced Software Engineer
519.
I Guess We'll Need A New Kitchen
520.
Guilty Catholics Have To Marry Each Other
521.
They Call Me The "You’re Welcome Man"
522.
Let's Get Your Mind Off Of The Dust Bowl
523.
So Relieved We Found This Abandoned Schoolhouse
524.
File Under "The Rolling Stones"
525.
No Need To Explain Your Clean Aqueduct
526.
My Poon-Noodles Are Your Doon-Poodles
527.
Two-State Solution With Benefits
528.
My Skill Set Qualifies Me For This Position
529.
Can't Tell If This Is Sex Or Hockey
530.
Have The Report On My Dick In The Morning
531.
So This Is Medicaid?
532.
Mature Cougar Is Addicted To Beej Pie
533.
Abe Lincoln (Not That One) Is Ready For Fatherhood
534.
Sure, You Can Use The Cat Door
535.
No Senator, I Already Have Two
536.
PTA Meeting Is Full Of Joy And Wonder
537.
Oh Peter, Thank You For The Yard Work
538.
A Real Whodunnit!
539.
Horace's Compromise
540.
Plutocrats Got Feelings Too
